The Clueless Caregiver

I’m not a natural caregiver. Despite being a clinical social worker for almost two decades (a bona fide “caring profession” for gosh sakes) I still struggle when there’s a friend in need.  It’s not that I don’t want to help, but when someone is sick I don’t anticipate their needs very well.  I thought I was getting better at being helpful but a recent incident made me realize I’ve got a ways to grow, er, go.

Last week my husband and I went to a dear friend’s home for dinner and a long-anticipated reunion with  former neighbors. Our hostess opened the door as we pulled up at her house and limped toward us. We greeted. We hugged. We didn’t notice her limp until she mentioned the fact that she wasn’t walking so well these days and was in some degree of pain. I’ll mention here that my husband was a career military officer. This puts my own attentiveness skills on par with those of a man who was literally trained to disregard human emotion.  We helped ourselves to drinks and spent some time socializing.  Our hostess got up to fix the meal but barely rose from her seat when our mutual friend stopped her “You’re not feeling well, why don’t you let us get things ready?” After dinner that same friend tucked a blanket on the lap of our ailing hostess as we served dessert in the family room. Now THAT’s a natural caregiver.  

For my part, I truly wanted to help. So when it came time to leave I offered to save our hostess a few steps by letting her dog out for her bedtime watering. Except I let Lady out the wrong door and she ran away. We spent the next half hour wandering through neighbors’ yards with flashlights while our dear hostess paced awkwardly upstairs, lending credence to my husband’s belief that “no good deed goes unpunished.”

I guess I’ve always been a taker, maybe even a bit spoiled, so anticipating the needs of others (outside the counseling office) is foreign to me. Now, as I get older, I’m a taker who wants to be more of a giver. As I get older there seem to be more opportunities since my friends are older too.

It seems making the shift from professional caregiver to *actual helpful person* will not be a quick process. As I make my way across the scale from selfish to selfless I’m looking forward to the time when it doesn’t take an entire ton of bricks to fall on me in order to notice a friend’s distress. Until then, if you need something just come out and ask me.

Sometimes Angels Make People Cry

Divorce is ugly. Thankfully I don’t know this firsthand. Over the past thirty years of adulthood I’ve watched friends, relatives and more than a few clients pass through this tortuous process. From the outside looking in, it seems true north shifts as the person you set your compass by is no longer available to you. The longer the marriage, the longer the recalibration takes until you feel your life is back on course. In the meantime feelings of rejection, grief, anger, confusion, self-doubt, failure, fear and frustration surface in every permutation.

                This was the situation my friend Audrey found herself in late last year when she and her younger son moved from their waterfront house to a safe, clean, yet less than spacious apartment. On her own for the first time in over two decades, she imagined wolves at her door and wondered how she would afford Christmas presents for her teen sons after paying first, last and security.

                I met her at the apartment on the day she signed the lease. She wanted help measuring to see which pieces of furniture would fit into the new place. She mentioned another friend would be stopping by briefly. Audrey was puzzled because she didn’t know Joyce very well and she hadn’t said why she was coming, only that she wanted to drop something off. “A housewarming gift?” I ventured. We quickly worked our way through the few rooms and had a tentative plan for where the beds, sofa and television would go. We were still trying to find the right spot for the treadmill when there was a knock on the door.

                Audrey introduced me to Joyce, a neatly-dressed petite woman, carrying only her purse. Audrey offered a quick tour of her new home. I busied myself in the kitchen, not wanting to intrude on their conversation. They made their way to the far bedroom and despite staying out of the way and trying not to listen, I heard Audrey crying, then, sobbing. I wondered if I should go check on my friend. What could Joyce have said or done to make her so upset?

                I stayed in the kitchen, now with my good ear toward the hallway, and restlessly shuffled some more pans around. When they returned to the living room I was relieved to see they were smiling. Audrey was holding a plain white envelope. We made small talk about restaurants and fabric stores. They hugged. Joyce left for work.

I asked Audrey if she had been crying and if she was okay. She fanned the envelope in the air and whispered, wide-eyed “She gave me a check! Joyce and her friends make quilts and sell them and then at the end of the year they give the money away. This year they gave it to me. THERE’S FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS IN HERE!”

Four thousand dollars is not life-changing but Audrey’s gloom had lifted. She was hopeful about her future for the first time in a long time. She pulled a list from her pocket of things she had been putting off buying: a video game for her boys, a garbage bin for under the kitchen sink, a shower curtain. Fresh tears fell and blurred the ink.

An Extraordinary Ordinary Man

            On a humid morning in a congested South Florida neighborhood, John W. Parrish went to his church to drop off some paperwork.  When he got there he found the church secretary had been startled by a suspicious person who tried to follow her into the building. The elderly woman had not been harmed but was nevertheless quite shaken.

The next morning, John, a WWII vet who was nearing eighty himself, again drove to the church in his red car decorated with “In God We Trust” bumper-stickers and flags, and stood by while the secretary opened the office. He told her he was just in the neighborhood and quietly added this trip to his daily routine so she would feel safe. John made this his habit for several years until shortly before his death.

I learned this story from the priest who presided at his memorial service. John W. Parrish was my father. Although I had not heard this particular story before, it came as no surprise to me, my brother, nor anyone in the standing-room-only crowd gathered that evening. A widower since shortly before he retired, John spent his so-called leisure years giving to others.

There was more. When the service ended our family stood at the front of the room as  neighbors, nuns, a bartender, a postman, former co-workers and employers, VFW and Knights of Columbus buddies, friends new and old filed by, each with their own stories to tell. A woman who lost her father the same month told me she often talked to John instead of her own dad because she knew he would offer good advice and a kind word. A young man whom Dad had scolded throughout his teen years for parking on the grass and breaking other minor home association rules had tears in his eyes as he told us how much John meant to him.

If good deeds are ripples in a pond that spread to unseen shores then John created quite a wave. May his memory continue to inspire good deeds.

 

To begin with, I’m not sure I believe in angels. At least not the kind in white robes with feathery wings who come down from heaven and appear to us humans to make great pronouncements, rescue us from danger or take away our troubles. I’m not completely closed to the idea but just as sleight of hand can be labeled “magic,” what we attribute to angels is more likely people helping people.

We all know them. They are ordinary people who quietly go about their lives doing things for others, sometimes extraordinary things. I have been fortunate to have crossed paths with many such angels in my life. I’ll be sharing their stories here in the hope of inspiring more good deeds.

Do you believe in angels?