The Clueless Caregiver

I’m not a natural caregiver. Despite being a clinical social worker for almost two decades (a bona fide “caring profession” for gosh sakes) I still struggle when there’s a friend in need.  It’s not that I don’t want to help, but when someone is sick I don’t anticipate their needs very well.  I thought I was getting better at being helpful but a recent incident made me realize I’ve got a ways to grow, er, go.

Last week my husband and I went to a dear friend’s home for dinner and a long-anticipated reunion with  former neighbors. Our hostess opened the door as we pulled up at her house and limped toward us. We greeted. We hugged. We didn’t notice her limp until she mentioned the fact that she wasn’t walking so well these days and was in some degree of pain. I’ll mention here that my husband was a career military officer. This puts my own attentiveness skills on par with those of a man who was literally trained to disregard human emotion.  We helped ourselves to drinks and spent some time socializing.  Our hostess got up to fix the meal but barely rose from her seat when our mutual friend stopped her “You’re not feeling well, why don’t you let us get things ready?” After dinner that same friend tucked a blanket on the lap of our ailing hostess as we served dessert in the family room. Now THAT’s a natural caregiver.  

For my part, I truly wanted to help. So when it came time to leave I offered to save our hostess a few steps by letting her dog out for her bedtime watering. Except I let Lady out the wrong door and she ran away. We spent the next half hour wandering through neighbors’ yards with flashlights while our dear hostess paced awkwardly upstairs, lending credence to my husband’s belief that “no good deed goes unpunished.”

I guess I’ve always been a taker, maybe even a bit spoiled, so anticipating the needs of others (outside the counseling office) is foreign to me. Now, as I get older, I’m a taker who wants to be more of a giver. As I get older there seem to be more opportunities since my friends are older too.

It seems making the shift from professional caregiver to *actual helpful person* will not be a quick process. As I make my way across the scale from selfish to selfless I’m looking forward to the time when it doesn’t take an entire ton of bricks to fall on me in order to notice a friend’s distress. Until then, if you need something just come out and ask me.